I have been thinking.. and keep thinking until now. Supposedly tomorrow I will send a resignation letter.. and tonight, my mind is so undecided what actually I want to do. I thought I had made a final decision in this resignation.. after some talk with my Madam.. she made me thinking twicetwice.. is this really what I mean to do?? Or is it because I cant do anymore and I wanted to jump somewhere else that I believe I could do better..??

Truthfully.. my answer would be the second one.. which is I had try my best to denied it. Seem to be true dear.. I cant lie to myself, even though I had try so hard to keep the first one is my answer. At a first place I had decide to get in selling field because I wanted to improve my communication skills, the way of thinking and making money.

At a same time, I have estimate.. I will not get into this line so long.. as long as I can made some amount of saving with this job.. it's should be ok and I will back to my line. Furthermore, when I can get myself of handling fear to counter with people.. satisfied enough.. then I know when I should quit this one.

The thing is.. both of them are still under positive progress.. and I am not satisfied yet. Means I don't totally want to quit this. Still struggle and moving. Unfortunately lately, my company having some problems and they change their company service.. which I think it is better than the old one, but it is not. It is much more harder than I could handle. I couldn't do my job with excellent satisfaction or maybe truth to be say.. not good at all..!! This cause me a really terrible feeling, I can't do this even I'd tried my best.. so I guess, I no longer need here. That is a main reason why I desperately wanted to quit this.. I just can't see any bright future with this one. Why I should keep on..??

Tonight, exactly on the date I wanted to put a letter on my boss desk.. my boss approach me and asking if I had problems with my work. Telling the truth, I have nothing to hide with her.. I told her that I can't do this anymore and I want to use my diploma in graphics.

What she had reply surprisingly able to open up some part of my mind. She told me that I good at my job and I was one of the best.. sometimes a best person also had a turn down about a month or two in the working graph, that is why I should keep up.. because if I jump somewhere and I become one of the best there.. there must be a time of turning down again. If I keep jumping and jumping, I will never hold any high position in any company. I was stunned. What she said is definitely right.

On my way home I was thinking is there any bullshit of what my Madam said. Maybe right now she is lacking of workers and unstable.. so she afraid if she couldn't find someone to replace me?? So far that I can think now.. none.

She was sincerely said to me she won't let me go and she plan to train me to be a consultant on a next coming project. She mentioned, on a 3rd week of May.. she'll start this project. Then, there are some long silent I had.. I'm asking myself and keep asking.. am I able to stay a bit more longer?? To find out..?

I'm back to the reason at a first place why I decide to quit. Now here I am I had some migraine and trying to judge. Of course I am not able to judge anything yet with this situation. I'm feeling like crying out.. because I just felt LOST. I am trying to find where is my believe??

If she didn't say anything about jumping and jumping, there is no other way I would feeling lost like this. Precisely to say.. she got my weakness in a snap second of time. Damn, I hope this one is not one kind of scam. Ah.. I hate hoping.

With this totally lost feeling and believe.. I couldn't decide anything yet. I really need some white paper.. I mean a clear mind and a rational thinking. It is not my way decide emotionally.. then I want to fade away any unnecessary sentiment. This would take a few days.. or should I have some talk with my big boss En. Jabir?? Duhh.. or maybe I should do both of it? Smile.. huh

Well dear.. can I sleep peacefully tonight?? I plan to write down this thing at this late hour because I want to have a good night sleep. Release out. I can loose my focus if I keep thinking the same thing again and again.. ngaa.. I wish I could pause my mind for a few hours.. ngaa~